Why I Don’t Like the Term #CouplesGoals (And I’m a Marriage and Family Therapist)
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
As a marriage and family therapist, people are often surprised when I say that I do not like the term #CouplesGoals. In a culture heavily influenced by social media, the phrase has become a popular way to describe relationships that appear ideal, inspiring, or worth emulating. While the intention behind the hashtag may seem harmless, I believe it is often misleading, unrealistic, and overused.
The problem with #CouplesGoals is that it presents a carefully curated version of reality. Social media is built around highlight reels. We see the vacation photos, romantic date nights, anniversary tributes, and picture-perfect family moments. What we do not see are the disagreements, moments of frustration, personal struggles, difficult conversations, or the everyday work that goes into maintaining a healthy relationship.
When we label a couple as "relationship goals," we create the narrative that their relationship should be the ultimate standard for everyone else. The reality is that no two relationships are the same. Every individual brings their own unique perspectives, values, ideologies, life experiences, and emotional needs into a relationship. Many people also bring unresolved attachment wounds from childhood, past relationship experiences, or personal trauma that influence how they connect with their partner.
These factors matter because relationships are not one-size-fits-all. What works beautifully for one couple may not work for another. Yet the concept of #CouplesGoals often suggests that others should want to copy and paste the image a couple presents to the world. This creates a false reality and unrealistic expectations that can leave people feeling inadequate when their own relationship does not look the same.
The truth is that healthy relationships are complex. Partners often have differing opinions, values, ideologies, goals, emotional needs, and physical needs. Relationships require us to navigate these differences while maintaining connection and respect. They challenge us to consider someone else's needs while also tending to our own. That balancing act is rarely glamorous, but it is where much of the growth happens.
Love is not a one-and-done act.
Love is not reserved for social media posts on Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, or special occasions. Love is continuous practice. It is continuing to learn about your partner, even after years together. It is supporting your partner during difficult seasons and celebrating their victories. It is challenging you to grow and, at times, challenging your patience as well.
Love is saying yes to the relationship on days when it would be easier to say no. It is falling in and out of love with one another over the years while consciously choosing to show up again and again. It is the decision to remain engaged, invested, and committed even when life becomes complicated.
The reality is that love does not fit neatly into a tiny, beautifully packaged box. Love is messy. It requires patience, vulnerability, communication, forgiveness, and commitment. It asks us to be honest with ourselves and with our partners. It requires us to repair after conflict, take accountability when we make mistakes, and remain open to growth.
At its healthiest, love is often less about perfection and more about partnership. It is learning when to prioritize "we" instead of "me." It is recognizing that growth is not something that happens individually but often happens together.
So rather than aspiring to be like the curated couples we see on social media, in the news, or online, consider shifting your focus inward. Instead of chasing someone else's version of relationship success, focus on becoming the best version of yourself within your own relationship.
Because the goal is not to become someone else's #CouplesGoals.
The goal is to build a relationship that is authentic, healthy, meaningful, and uniquely your own.